Deport 'Em

"Jerry Porter, who the f@&! do you think you are?"
~Art Shell

As Nancy Gay reported this morning, Jerry Porter is pulling a Corporal Klinger trying to get out of the M*A*S*H unit by requesting a Section 8.

Instead of wearing ladies' fashion to get tossed out, Porter opted to show up to work this morning wearing his Ric Flair bling, bling: a genuine bozo costume encrusted with cubic zirconium dollar signs.

I got news for ya Sunshine:

Remember when Philip Buchanon showed up to training camp in his sooperfly pimp suit made of shiny Playboy Bunnies straight off a trucker's mud flap? How did that one work out, Jerry?

Unfortunately, there is no Charley Casserly left in Houston stoopid enough to trade Porter to, as the Raiders did with Lifetime Buchanon.

As for showing off the six-pack abs:

Remember when Terrell Owens did sit-ups in the yard for a crowd of reporters? How did that one work out, Jerry?

You are quickly gaining the reputation of being a malcontent troublemaker, and you don't even have a 1,000 yard season or nary a Pro Bowl to back it up like T.O. does.

One piece of advice to you, Mr. Porter, in all seriousness...

I will never forget Howie Long describing how Art Shell, in his first term as Raider HC, tired of Chester McGlockton half-@ssing it through practice once again... lined up across from Chester Cheetos, fired out of his stance... and flattened 'em in front of the whole entire team.

The piece of advice is this: know your role. The Raiders drafted a fat, drunk, Polish Kicker before you. This is your estimated worth in the Raiders' eyes.

This is not Mr. Turner's Neighborhood anymore and you won't treated like a man in life if you act like you're back in elementary school this time. Do not make the mistake of confusing Art Shell with Sgt. Schultz.

To be the man, you gotta beat the man. You aren't even the best WR from West Virginia on this team, Mr. Porter.

Randy Moss is.

You are expendable, Mr. Porter, to the tune of Gabriel, Curry, Morant, Francis, Whitted, and a cast of thousands hoping to stick in training camp.

You have the chance to learn something from the examples of Lifetime Buchanon, Turd Owens, and Chester Cheetos. Take that chance. Learn the Raider Way while it is being offered to you, or go out like they did. Freddie B. knows the Raider Way, so take his sticky hand, my friend.

In my opinion, it is long past time to hand Porter a one way ticket to the Arena League - after all, arenas are where clowns do their best work under the big top - and deport 'em.

If the Raiders can get a RB to back up Lamont Jordan or a DT to clog up the lanes in return for his deportation, I say pull the trigger on Mr. Porter's Raider green card.

In the meantime, Mr. Porter, this is what your new jersey number "5150" stands for.

A sticky thanks to Cavlarysword for the tip on the Slogan's Heroes website where the above shirt is available to add to your wardrobe.